Keeping Passion Alive and Thriving

One of the biggest complaints that we hear from couples is how do I keep the passion alive over time or after a baby? Doesn’t the spark go away and sex becomes a boring routine after a few years? The answer is only if you allow it to. For us, as well as many of our students and friends, the opposite is true. My relationship with Melanie just gets juicier, more sexy and stimulating, more deeply and emotionally intimate, more outrageously passionately orgasmic all the time. 

The first week we were together we had the best sex of our lives and thought it couldn’t possibly get better. Then, around a month later, it magically got even better. How is this possible? Next month, we had an experience that we truly didn’t think was possible. And it has been continuing to grow consistently more amazing every month for over 10 years with no end in sight. 

How? The short answer is Tantra. We have made it our mission to discover and practice every technique, trick and practice to provide the best formula for romance, vulnerable intimacy, spiritual growth, passionate excitement, and outrageously intense and long lasting orgasms. Also, by learning how to make love Tantricly, you will be able to greatly increase your stamina and energy (instead of draining you), which is one of the leading causes of decreased libido. Learning the art of Ecstatic Hearts™ Tantra is a gift that keeps on giving; as once you learn how to feel your energy and then connect it with others, it takes on a power and intelligence of its own.  You begin to dance with the divine without limits. 

Everything begins with your thoughts. The first key to keeping your passion alive and thriving is believe it is possible, probable and then inevitable. Become passionate about building passion in your life. If you feel depressed when you think of bringing passion to your relationship, you either don’t believe it is possible or you are focusing on what you don’t have vs. what you want. You need to rewire your neural pathways. And this is true for everything that you want, not just romance. Then create wins and evidence to support this to strengthen your belief. Make the process of discovering new ways to bring joy and passion to your life and relationships fun and exciting.

One of the key things that makes getting out of a rut difficult is that most of us are operating out of unconscious automatic patterns we developed long ago, that are dictating our lives. More on this topic later, but the first step to improving a situation is awareness. A technique called witness consciousness, similar to mindfulness, allows us to actually see what we are doing.  

For example, Melanie may be running late for an event, I get angry and tell her to hurry up. She gets angry and goes slower to show me that she can’t be rushed. This spirals into us both being upset, which eventually turns into a pattern. For us this got so bad that I would see her being late, even when she wasn’t because I just knew that pattern was going to repeat itself. With witness consciousness, I would notice, oh look here is that familiar feeling of abandonment that I get when I perceive Melanie is not supporting me with my integrity, ah now I am feeling angry, hmm instead of yelling at her, perhaps I should try an alternate approach such as lovingly ask how I may support her in getting ready.  

Likewise, Melanie could notice that oh look, here ScottieO is asking me to hurry, and it just triggered my resistance to being dominated by my Mother, no one can tell me what to do, hmm but instead of demonstrating my independence, perhaps I can recognize that I can still be independent and speed up a little, because I love my husband and know that this is a trigger for him. If we can be conscious of our feelings, while we are fully feeling them, and notice when we want to go on automatic pattern usually by being triggered, we now have the power to make an alternative choice. Once one really starts practicing this, one may notice that most of one’s life is dictated by old patterns without thought or choice that we developed long ago and no longer serve us. So, notice what upsets you and gets in the way of fully loving and feeling loved by each other and create new patterns that support and accept each other. 

Your first goal is to feel great (happy, healthy, fulfilled) and focus on feeling better. Your next goal is to focus on your lover feeling great (happy, cherished, loved, and supported) and getting better all the time. One powerful way to do this is to each write in a notebook or journal at least one new thing you are grateful for about your partner and share it with them to start or end the day. Where you attention goes, energy flows and results follow. If you focus on irritations like the toilet seat being up or patterns like your partner being late, your frustration and irritation will grow. If you focus on how amazing your lover is, you love and passion will continue to expand for that person. 

You must also communicate, especially about the hard stuff. If you don’t address and communicate about significant problems in your relationship they will likely smolder with resentment and build like a volcano and eventually erupt, usually in an ineffective and hurtful way. We are fans of active listening and nonviolent communication. Really take the time to have a talk (preferably not in the middle of an upset), take turns sharing and listening with an open mind without interrupting each other. Using a facilitator or arbitrator, even if just a friend, can sometimes be very helpful. Share your concerns, your needs that you would like addressed, and any requests that you may have. Don’t get fixated on the specifics, as your needs may be met in a variety of ways. The ideal is for you to figure out how to meet your own needs so that you are not dependent on someone else to make you happy. Be creative and brainstorm with each other. Your partner then with honesty and integrity answers what needs they are willing to make that are aligned with their desires and shares their perspective. I believe that the vast majority of issues in relationships can be resolved wonderfully through clear, open, honest and courageous communication. 

One way to kill a relationship is through criticism. Judgments of others always create separation versus connection. When you are criticizing someone, making them wrong, or being righteous, there is no room for love. Being right has no intrinsic value, so letting your partner “win”, lovingly accepting an alternate viewpoint, will pay off in connection every time. Celebrate your partner’s successes instead of focusing on their failings. Make requests instead of demands. Take every opportunity to acknowledge them and show that you care. Write love notes, leave mysterious gifts, send flowers for no reason, send tantalizing texts, show them that you are thinking and caring about them. 

Another side note is that if your goal is to change your partner because they need to be fixed, you are dooming your relationship to failure. While enlightened feedback and honestly supporting each other in getting over old wounds is important in most relationships, a person has to decide for themselves how they want to grow. Anything you are resistant to persists. So, if you really don’t like something about your partner, your energy will only reinforce it. The only way out is through acceptance. I don’t mean “acceptance” in order to change them, but true acceptance that they don’t need to be changed. This allows them space to make a shift if they choose, but more importantly allows you to love them as the perfectly divine beings that they are. By finding new quirks and funny patterns about your partner and fully accepting everything about them, you will discover new ways to fall in love with your partner all over again. 

Your mindset is critical and 99% of what will keep passion thriving in your love life. Without the right thinking, awareness and acceptance, along with clear communication to remove emotional obstacles, the following actions won’t be that effective. Though many of you are already in the right mindset, without even realizing it. So, if you want some ideas on how to spice things up, here are some suggestions.

Date nights are an important recipe for romance, especially once you have kids or a busy schedule. Once a week or at least once a month, plan a special time for just the two of you. I recommend 2-24 hours, where you won’t be interrupted by work, kids, or any of the pressures of day to day life. Plan 90+ minutes for love making, use Tantric skills to become a master at pleasing your lover. Go out someplace special that is not part of your normal routine. Really focus your presence on just each other. Put away your phones, touch, talk, have fun. Double dates and group activities can be fun, just make sure to allocate some of your dates for just the two of you. Fine, so you are doing all this but have run out of ideas. How does one make a date night special?

Creativity is key. Putting some time and effort into making it special goes a long way and can add to the excitement and anticipation. For example, make it a theme date (20’s Gangsters, 50’s Swing, 60’s Hippies, 70’s Disco, 80’s Rock, Cowboys and/or Indians, Arabian Nights, Medieval Knights, Master and Slave, Star Whores Aliens, PJ Party, Mad Max, Harry Potter Magicians, Pirates and Booty, Fur clad Barbarians, etc. or dress all in the same Color, or see how shockingly skimpy your attire can be). The Houston Renaissance Faire allows you to rent out chain mail bikinis if you participate in their fashion show. Plan an evening that revolves around the theme. If it is cowboy night, but on your boots and hats, ride horses into the sunset and go boot scooting at the local country music club, and talk with a Texas accent. Who says you can only dress up during Halloween? We often get people asking us where the party is and what are we doing because it looks like so much fun. This works well in group dates too if you are self conscious about standing out in a crowd. We personally like it.

It is also useful to know what your partner’s Love Language is, what makes them feel all warm in fuzzy inside. Love languages are: words of affirmation, gifts, time, touch, or acts of service. Customize your affection in a way that calls to them. If it is a gift, consider making it yourself using their favorite colors or incorporating what they like. If it is words of affirmation, tell them how much you love them. If it is touch, spend time cuddling, massaging, and simply touching them with love. If it's acts of service, do something special for them to show them your love. For time, make special quality time for them. All of these are ways to show your love for someone and most of us love all of these, and certain love languages speak to us more than others. Ask your partner what speaks to them the most strongly and make sure you are showing them love in that way.

Any time you can show a person that you were listening to them and customize a date or experience that demonstrates this you will make an impression. The greatest gift you can give your partner is 100% presence and attention.

New experiences have been scientifically proven to bring people more happiness. So, going to a new restaurant or checking out a new activity is always recommended. Traveling to exotic getaway destinations or going on a cruise (especially for couples/adults) is one of our favorite activities. Travel can always be an adventure and does not need to be expensive. Day trips, picnics, camp outs, festivals, even staying with friends (who don’t mind you making loud noises) can work well. Traditional romantic places may also include checking out a new museum, park, garden, antique shop, show, dance, music performance, art show, etc. Exercise is also a key to happiness, so walking, hiking, or dancing, or even yoga is always a great activity. Biking, bowling, putt putt, darts, billiards, swimming, skiing (water or ice), boating, surfing, and any light exercise where you can still talk are excellent. Don’t be afraid to stretch your comfort zone. We like to go to Hippie Hollow’s nude beach on a regular basis and try unusual sports like archery and axe throwing. Exciting thrills that get the heart pumping also enhance energy in the bedroom.

Laughing is always recommended as it is one of the healthiest and most fun things you can do .When is the last time you have been to a comedy, stand up, or improve show? If you are going to see a funny or scary movie, make sure to also include food or a walk to have a chance to talk. Playing silly party or strategy games, visiting with friends, fantasy role playing, charades, truth or dare, spin the bottle, 7 minutes in the closet together, exchanging clothes, and other games from the past or any teenage movie can be nostalgic and always brings a laugh. 

Feel free to spice up your erotic life too. Buy the Kama Sutra and (carefully) try out some of the positions, experiment with 100 different ways to kiss, or watch a porno or read erotica and fast forward to a scene that you replicate, or make your own sexy erotic movie to watch later (in our opinion is just as sexy as watching someone else). Learn below how to give a fantastic massage and perhaps have a massage circle with 6-8 people with a person in the center rotating every 15 minutes. Visit a sex toy shop and try a new one out every month; dildos, vibrators, floggers oh my. Explore tying each other up, dressing up in sexy costumes, or any number of kinks. Master the skills of cunnilingus and fellatio. Learn how to give different kinds of orgasms, such as a g-spot, squirting, anal, etc. Continuously look for new ways to stretch your comfort zone (especially if it is scary and uncomfortable), because that is where juicy excitement and all growth comes from.

For the truly adventurous, you may want to explore group scenarios. We find it quite stimulating to watch others make love and always get new ideas. With people who know our type of Tantra, we can feel their orgasms and energy without even touching them, even from across the room. While Tantra can be practiced with or without sex, individually or in a monogamous environment, we have found that being polyamorous in a group adds a tremendous amount of energy that accelerates our growth and excitement. In fact, some of our most powerful orgasmic experience involved some of our Tantric friends moving and playing with each other’s energy without any sex being involved at the time. It is quite an experience to be able to have a group hug with 12 people and all go into simultaneous orgasms from just making sound together. Or from being brought to one’s knees and writhing on the floor from someone sending energy into you without touching. When one really becomes open to the energy around us, it becomes quite magical and potentially inconvenient and totally worth it. At some parties, I experience far more orgasms indirectly from others, than I do from having sex myself. I feel it is also a blessing to be able to identify dozens of my friends by the sound of their orgasm alone. 

So to recap, here are some powerful practices to perpetuate passion:

• Learn Tantra, no other skill comes close to bringing exponential joy and passion to your love life.
• Think positive thoughts, feel good, believe, and focus on gratitude. 
• Practice presence, witness consciousness, and mindfulness to break out of limiting patterns. 
• Communicate openly, clearly, courageously and compassionately.
• Bring yourself back to a state of loving acceptance when you realize judgments are flaring. 
• Regularly schedule special date nights or weekends, using creativity, love languages, romance, exercise, newness, thrills, and or comedy to inspire and excite your lover. 
• Stretch your sexual comfort zone, by using games, toys, positions, touch, skills or even group scenarios to spice things up and tap into greater levels of energy.