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Sexual Empowerment is Shaped by Our Stories

A Tantra Talk

Most of us are trapped and do not feel Sexually Empowered primarily due to one thing: the stories we made up when we were kids. Most people don’t have any idea just how insidiously powerful and widespread this phenomenon is. Most personal development companies were created and revolve around this central concept. This goes by many names: Stories, Belief Systems, Paradigms, Racquets, Programs, Circle Traps, Shadow work are all same. These are unconscious creations we make up from our limited perceptions, mostly before 5 years old, that are continuing to dictate and control almost all aspects of our lives today, unless we become conscious of them. We are just going to focus on Sexual Empowerment in this talk, because it is one of the most damaged aspects of our culture due to history of shame and lack of education.


We are a product of our beliefs: our thoughts dictate our feelings and actions. We can choose our thoughts and way of being. But most of us live in automatic without questioning what we have been told or what we have decided to believe in the past.

Where do we get our beliefs from?The media, parents, church, friends, education all shape what we believe. We all have different incomes, religions, education, parents, experiences. Many of us may have similarities and we tend to assume that if another person had an experience that sounds like ours, it was probably much like ours, but two people almost never have the same experience because of their interpretations which tend to come from their past.

What the problem with beliefs is: people have different ones 

and like to be right about theirs.

What the problem with beliefs is: people have different ones and like to be right about theirs.

Can two people be right about the same thing? Can they see it differently due to different backgrounds, different opinions, different gender? Does a child see things the same way as an adult does?

Do your opinions ever change? I am a very different person than I was 20 years ago with a different value system, some different goals, different lifestyle, etc.

Be open to more than one way of doing things, one opinion, or one belief; it opens up a realm of possibilities. Opinion is not necessarily the “Truth”. Another name for a belief is a story, it may or may not be true, but it is something that is said and some people believe it to be so.

Righteousness is a scary thing; people die for it, kill for it. Most wars are fought over it. And why, what is its intrinsic value? You tell me what is the value of being right? What are the costs? (love and connection). Next time you are in an argument with your wife, see if wrong and loving works better then righteous and disconnected. You may even seek to be wrong every day just for fun: homeplay game for a day. If you are wrong, all of a sudden an infinite world of other possibilities opens up. 

Big Secret to Beliefs (wait for it)=They are just Stories/Make believe

Most people think that an Event and their Interpretation of the event is the same thing. Here is the best part, 80% of the time we are wrong. The vast majority of the time we are operating out of interpretation, not reality. For example, I might cough. One person may think I have allergies. Another person may think I’m attempting to interject in the conversation. And a third person might think I’m upset with them.

Now why is this good news? This isn’t real, so we can make up what we want.

The worst part of this cycle is that it happens automatically and we don’t even notice it. We can’t even see it sometimes when it is pointed out to us. You will likely hear people today arguing for their limitations because they are “True”. One big suggestion is to check in with our assumptions before we go off the rails. Getting off of automatic by being present, noticing the wisdom of your body, choosing vs. reacting to life is a big step towards becoming more evolved towards enlightenment. But how do we do this?

Here is a personal example. When I was 12, I noticed that my feelings for girls began to change. One girl in particular I really liked, and after weeks of building up my courage, I decided for the first time in my life to ask someone to “go with with me.” This was the middle school equivalent of stating that we were “dating.” Well, I was nervous and smiling and asked her in the hallway at the lockers surrounded by her friends. She laughed probably because she was embarrassed, and my heart broke.

I made up then, that “I was unlovable, something was wrong with me, and no one would ever want to be with me.” It took me two more years, before I had the courage to ask out another girl. I was a virgin until age 23. It continued to hamper my relationships for years. And then only after I really uncovered this “story” and fundamentally shifted my perspective on this event around the age of 38, did I “discover” my soul mate whom I am happily married to now for 10 years.

Witness Consciousness

We are such grand movie makers that we are usually so engrossed in a film of our own design that we forget we are the stars, directors, producers, and editors of our own lives. The key is to create just enough disassociation from the drama so that you can change the script as you go if you don’t like it, while fully experiencing and feeling your emotions to their depths at the same time. This is witness consciousness, being totally subjective and objective at the same time, a unified being.

Let’s look at an example:

Relationships: You deserve and can have the love of your life that meets all of your needs and desires. Who has trouble with this one? Who here has exactly what they want and it just keeps getting better all the time? What happens if we believe this isn’t possible; we subconsciously ensure that it never occurs (our brain likes to be right and will see or even create evidence to support our chosen “beliefs”. Say it with me: I deserve and am creating and attracting an amazing love life now.

Only way to “improve/fix/replace” our unconscious beliefs is to first invite/bring these thoughts and feelings into our awareness, while fully conscious present and feeling any associated emotions. Our subconscious is tricky and wants us to (stay safe, ie the same). So, it (read we) uses tricks such as distractions, tiredness, emotional numbness, judgement, justification, to block out or stop change and awareness. This is why the Tantric practice of staying present is so critical to creating joy, fulfillment, excitement, and anything new in our life.

Back Track

One technique to uncover our unconscious stories is to focus on the feeling that you are experiencing when upset and think back to when you first had this feeling. It may be uncomfortable to look at, but really take a look. See if you can remember the facts of the incident and then separate the interpretation you created around it. Figure out the statement that you may have come up with at the time that are about you; for example “I am bad”, “No one loves me”, “I am too much”, “I am not good enough”, etc. Even if we know that the interpretation is not true logically, there is usually an emotional component that still resonates or we would not even remember the incident. If saying the interpretation out loud tags you, gives you a negative emotional response, or just creates a tightness in your stomach, this false story still has a hold on you.

Then, create an alternative interpretation, even if it doesn’t fully feel true at the current time. Write an affirmation that supports you, potentially the opposite of your limiting belief. Then say it with as much excitement and enthusiasm as you can muster every day until you start to believe it. Continue collecting evidence and proof for your new paradigm until it is stronger than your old programming.

Know that you have the power to change your thoughts and focus, which change your emotions, which will change your actions and thus your results. So, use witness consciousness to notice when you are caught up in an emotion on automatic, interrupt the pattern, choose to embrace your new belief, take a different action that supports you, and reinforce this supportive program until it becomes automatic in your subconscious. And then watch as your life magically unfolds in new and wonderful ways.